Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Veil

I have a birth defect called Medullary Sponge Kidney Disease.  Plain and simple it means I make kidney stones. A lot. I've lost count of the number I've passed, but it has to be upwards of 50 at this point. At any given moment I have no less than 20 stones in each of my kidneys. I also have a lot of scar tissue, some kidney and bladder damage and daily pain. It is hard to live with and I've had to fight tooth and nail to A. Get diagnosed and B. Find medical professionals who are at all familiar with the disease. I need pain management more often than I don't and I've dealt with several doctors thinking I was just a drug seeker. I'm currently on track to have a procedure done that would clean out my kidneys and hopefully offer me between 10 and 15 years of relief. I have to be patient and jump through some hoops, but I'm very hopeful I can live a more normal life sometime soon.

Sunday night I ended up in the emergency room in uncontrollable pain... the second time my boyfriend has had to take me. I'm very thankful for my man, who doesn't flinch as I throw up into an emesis bag and still manages to think I'm cute. Luckily, they know my case now and I was in, pumped full of extremely strong drugs, x-rayed and sent home with stronger pain meds.
And, as has become more usual, I had one of the dreams.

It usually happens when I am in between dreaming and waking. I hear a noise and I start to think that it's Jason. He's home! Part of my brain tells me no, that isn't possible.  But the other part of my brain says what if it is? What if he's just been gone for awhile and him dying was just a nightmare.  Sometimes it will be a phone call, him telling me he's sorry for being gone for so long. I start to get scared. I don't know what is real, and what isn't.  By the time I wake up fully I know it was just a dream. But for a few, terrifying minutes I honestly don't know.  It usually happens when I'm in a lot of pain or under a lot of stress,  but the emotional upheaval upon waking shakes me up for days.

I've not had any of the "visiting" dreams that many people say they have when a loved one dies. Maybe I never will.These dreams feel like nothing more than the longings of a broken heart.

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