I have been very, very busy. Which is all good, until it isn't. With life marching on at a whirlwind pace I've been pushing down sadness and putting off grief... and grief is something that won't wait for a convenient time to knock you down.
This is my second mother's day as a single mom. And I honestly forgot it was even coming up. Working in the world of food service has usually meant I am at work on that day anyway, as I will be on this one. The kids were asking me what I wanted this morning and I told them I don't want anything (except for them to clean the house, which was met with uproarious laughter) ... but that isn't quite true. I want them to have their father. I want him to see how strong they are, how compassionate they've become. I want him to be there when they succeed and when they fail. When they need a hug or a stern talking to.
That is impossible now and it breaks my heart.
I miss Jason so much. I've had a particularly bad day, crying in my room. Feeling lonely and abandoned and pitiful and angry. Because sometimes those moments hit and I just have to roll with it. I just have to let it happen. I don't need to fix it, but when it hurts like this it is hard to share. Hard to ask for help, hard to talk it out. I have my people, who let me be and lift me up. Remind me I'm doing it and that this is healing and sometimes it ain't pretty.
Most of all, I have my son and my daughter. I get to be their mom. I get to remember the moment they were born, that amazing terrifying larger than life moment when your heart expands and your world recenters itself on the little being in your arms, created out of your love. All the boo boo's I've fixed, all the times I've wanted to tear my hair out and ask the universe who exactly thought it would be a good idea for me to be in charge of raising healthy, happy kids to be healthy, happy adults. I get to see my husband every day... in his son's laughter, in his daughter's logical thinking. I get to remind them they had a dad who loved them more than anything and tell them all about him. I get to remember him through them. If I do it right, they will feel him in their hearts as long as they live.
That is my gift from him.