Tuesday, November 26, 2013


My son told me something the other day,  something that shocked me in its dual simplicity and complexity.  We were talking about Thanksgiving and the holidays in general and I was trying to convey the idea that even though the day will be sad and we will miss Jason,  it doesn't have to be a day of abject misery. I was trying to convince myself more than him. He turned to me and said "Mom, it's just a day. We've been living everyday without Dad."

He is right. Every day brings a reminder. Every day is difficult.  And every day, we find joy and happiness and we keep on going. To steep ourselves in sadness and wallow in what is missing is unhealthy.  It blocks out what we have learned from this, belittles the everyday struggles we've overcome. It would be easy to settle in bitterness and see our lives only through the lens of all that we have lost... and doing that, it feels like the worst possible way to honor Jason.

I am so thankful that I had him for as long as I did. I am thankful that my children had a father who loved them enough to teach them how to be practical, resilient and to see the bigger picture.  I am thankful for his love and all that he taught me. I am thankful that he respected me and believed in me... even when I didn't.  I am so thankful that I got to care for him and comfort him as he left us, that I got to be his hero when he needed one the most. I am thankful that most days I wake up greatful for each new day knowing that, despite it all, I am strong enough to keep going. I'm thankful that I know what real love is. I am so, so thankful, even in my grief and sadness.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Junk in the Trunk

Ok, taking a brief detour from the sad that is this blog to talk about something silly.

(Sidenote: Yesterday was our first Halloween... and it was tough. I was a little blindsided by how hard it hit me, but, I dealt with it and ended the day with a smile.  The kids had fun, we talked a lot about Jason and his insatiable pb cup habit & had some laughs. So, all is well.)

When Jason started to get sick,  I lost my appetite. That has never happened to me before,  I usually stress eat. Caring for him, I had to be reminded and sometimes forced to eat. And when he died it just got worse. Nothing tasted good,  nothing sounded good. This went on until about 6 weeks ago, when I noticed that I was HUNGRY again. Hallelujah!  I love food, always have and always will, and I really missed enjoying eating. But.... the side affect of all that non eating was a significant weight loss. I got kinda... skinny. None of my underwear,  pants or bras fit anymore. I continuously got told how good I looked...which kinda pissed me off. Everytime I heard that I wanted to scream! I look skeletal!  I don't feel good and I have headaches all the time! I would have traded every single pound for one more minute with my husband. But whatever,  it WAS fun shopping for new, smaller clothes. It was kinda neat to see my hipbones again.

But... (pun intended) I kinda missed my boobs. And my butt. And even, just a little,  having nice round hips and my belly. I've never been a waif. Ive often joked that I have the opposite of an eating disorder,  because I would look in the mirror and think "Damn... I look good", even at my chubbiest. And my husband never complained about my body... he dubbed pregnancy and pms "titty fairy" time because um, well, yeah. The girls always got big. I still got hit on. Barring normal periods of "I'm a disgusting sausage" I've worked hard at being comfortable in my skin, no matter the size. I really would rather be happy, funny and interesting than  stick thin. Just sayin'.

So, yeah. My appetite is back, with a vengeance.  My goal is moderation and consistent exercise. Adding muscle and feeling good. And goddammit,  enjoying my bacon cheeseburger on a pretzel bun when the mood strikes!  :)