Ok, taking a brief detour from the sad that is this blog to talk about something silly.
(Sidenote: Yesterday was our first Halloween... and it was tough. I was a little blindsided by how hard it hit me, but, I dealt with it and ended the day with a smile. The kids had fun, we talked a lot about Jason and his insatiable pb cup habit & had some laughs. So, all is well.)
When Jason started to get sick, I lost my appetite. That has never happened to me before, I usually stress eat. Caring for him, I had to be reminded and sometimes forced to eat. And when he died it just got worse. Nothing tasted good, nothing sounded good. This went on until about 6 weeks ago, when I noticed that I was HUNGRY again. Hallelujah! I love food, always have and always will, and I really missed enjoying eating. But.... the side affect of all that non eating was a significant weight loss. I got kinda... skinny. None of my underwear, pants or bras fit anymore. I continuously got told how good I looked...which kinda pissed me off. Everytime I heard that I wanted to scream! I look skeletal! I don't feel good and I have headaches all the time! I would have traded every single pound for one more minute with my husband. But whatever, it WAS fun shopping for new, smaller clothes. It was kinda neat to see my hipbones again.
But... (pun intended) I kinda missed my boobs. And my butt. And even, just a little, having nice round hips and my belly. I've never been a waif. Ive often joked that I have the opposite of an eating disorder, because I would look in the mirror and think "Damn... I look good", even at my chubbiest. And my husband never complained about my body... he dubbed pregnancy and pms "titty fairy" time because um, well, yeah. The girls always got big. I still got hit on. Barring normal periods of "I'm a disgusting sausage" I've worked hard at being comfortable in my skin, no matter the size. I really would rather be happy, funny and interesting than stick thin. Just sayin'.
So, yeah. My appetite is back, with a vengeance. My goal is moderation and consistent exercise. Adding muscle and feeling good. And goddammit, enjoying my bacon cheeseburger on a pretzel bun when the mood strikes! :)