Wednesday, February 26, 2014

14 Years

What does it feel like to be a widow on your wedding anniversary?  Well, it just plain hurts. And it's very lonely. 

The one person who cared about that date, a date I will never forget,  a date I was always so proud of us for reaching each new year... well, that person isn't here to celebrate with anymore. Even if it was just a card on my pillow before bed and a few moments of congratulating ourselves for making it so long, a few moments to marvel at how much we still loved & wanted one another... that is gone. It's just me and my memories now and that just isn't enough.

This is my second anniversary since Jason died. But the first one was so close to his death that I was numb. Foggy. I don't really remember much. I didn't have any of that anticipatory grief this time, just a moment a few days ago of "Oh. Yeah. That's happening." Work kept me busy today until, driving home, I felt the weight of grief slam me in the chest.

This day should be SPECIAL. My marriage was one of the few things I've done right. It may be the only marriage I ever have. And I miss him, so, so very much. But now its just another reminder of what I've lost.

Maybe in a another year or two I can celebrate.  But today I just feel alone. Alone and hurting.

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