I'm having a bad time of it all. It's been going on for much longer than I'm comfortable with. I feel just absolutley washed out and pathetic and whiny and angsty and ANGRY. So, so angry. I'm trying really hard to keep my head up, but I'm not doing a great job.
It's gorgeous outside, but the only time I feel comfortable is at night, like a vampire. I desperatley want cold, wind and rain. The world is shining too brightly and I'm dead set on shutting it out.
Stupid things make me mad, send me into ugly crying fits. My truck won't start. My son is going to be in high school. I can't find my favorite black sweater and I can't quite remember what his voice sounds like anymore.
I can't stop reprimanding myself: You should be able to handle this. You shouldn't be this sad, unbalanced. You should be doing more. You have so much to do and you are just dragging yourself through the days, it's dramatic and embarrassing. You know what's important and you let yourself get completely overwhelmed by the small stuff. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS YOU SHOULD BE BETTER.
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS, WHEN WILL IT STOP HURTING SO MUCH YOU CAN'T FUNCTION?!
I don't know. I really don't. I pray, I ask for help. I feel like a barnacle stuck on a huge rock, drying out to a husk and getting pounded by waves I have no control over. I'm embarrased to be so sad still, but I may be this sad forever and eventually all the people who love me will be sick of it. I feel selfish and self absorbed and ridiculous. Things haven't healed right or maybe they just aren't healed yet.
It will be ok. It will, I know it will someday but I'm impatient. So just let me rant and rave a little more and make it through this day and then the next.