Sunday, August 17, 2014


I am just feeling like a big mess. A big, raw puddle of nerves, sadness, pain, longing and despair.  I am not ready to work. I'm not ready to pretend to be ok. I am terrified and I hurt, all the god damn  time. I feel crazy. I feel small. Incapable. Useless. Terrified. 

I visited my brother's church today. I sobbed through all of the songs... they all reminded me of him.

I don't know how to be alive anymore. I hate waking up in the morning.  The only peace I feel is at night, when the darkness matches my mood. 

My kids start school tomorrow. I start work Tuesday. I see my pain management doctor friday. My soul is pleading: Please let me be ok. Please let me handle it. Please let me find a routine again.  Please help me keep my kids safe and happy.

I'm surrounded by love and support and I still feel so alone. So lost. So broken. 

Please. Just, please.

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