I've always been a homebody. As a teenager I would tell my friends that I was grounded so I wouldn't have to a.) Talk on the phone (still not a huge fan... thank you whoever invented text messaging- I would have no friends if it wasn't for you) and b.) go anywhere.
I always have a million projects going. I always have something that needs doing. 6 months ago my idea of a perfect weekend would involve going absolutely nowhere and never having to change out of my pj's.
It is hard for me to be home now. I've rearranged and halfheartedly reorganized but these walls have too many memories. The house is too full and too empty at the same time.
My projects hold no interest. I can barely make myself keep the house clean. All that busy stuff that could be taking my mind off of everything... it just doesn't work right now. I'm not reading much... and that is just wierd. I am usually reading at least two books at a time. I can only watch certain tv shows and movies, nothing that requires concentration... I just don't have it.
I force myself to open the mail, to pay the bills and file things away for records. To make phone calls I dont want to make. To try and cook dinner at least a couple times a week. To remember to shower.
But mostly, I run. I have to get away. A lot of the time, by myself. I feel guilty for pushing the kids away, but I don't have the energy or patience. I see what they need and I try to give them as much as I can, but I don't have a lot. No answers, no promises. I can hold them close and tell them it will be ok and wonder if they believe me, because I'm not sure that I do. I find myself exploding over the smallest things. I write angry letters I will never send. I either care waaaaaayyyy too much or not enough. I cannot pretend to be anything but profoundly and perpetually a mess.
I'm trying to divide my time equally so that I'm not leaning on anyone too much... but I do anyway. I have places I can go, shoulders to cry on and arms to hold me when I'm unable to keep going. I'm very, very grateful for that.
It won't always be like this. I won't always be like this. But I will never be the same again.
One of the most powerful pictures of grief I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteVal, you are normal in tour grieving process love. Yes everyone goes through it differently but you certainly have every right to feel the way you do. I read your posts and wonder how I would feel, react and just even breathe. You amaze me with your strength and ability to convey words most are either too afraid to say or tooafraid to feel. Love you friend......my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you've been through. Reading all of your posts, I've cried so hard, I'm sick to my stomach. You are amazing, you carry more strength than I could ever know, and I pray you are able to heal. While you may never be the same as you once were, I hope you learn to be able to have happiness once again.
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