Crumble

I wish I was made of ice. Completely self sufficient, no doubt, no games, just confident & secure in myself. Powerful.

Because that is who I am... Who I've always been. I learned the hard way not to let anyone else become the source of my happiness. To man up and take care of my own shit. To take what I want and not expect anything.

And to love someone,  to open up and soften. To let my walls down. To let it hurt and to go on living. To reimagine the fairytale that does not exist. To let go of perfection and to be ok with the work in progress that comes with being human.  

And then my world shattered. Would it have been easier to never take the risk? Taken the safe, sane path and avoid the intensity of all this pain... Yes, for sure. Would I take the easy way if I had to do it again? Hell no. I wouldn't give up what I have for anything. But the fallout? It is fucking brutal. It has taken every moment of peace from me, sheared away my confidence, my certainty, my clarity and laid my soul bare. Knocked the wind out of my sails and made me question my sanity.

I barely know who I am anymore. I can't eat, can't sleep, seek out anything that will numb the pain. I exist in a cave of sadness, fumbling to find my way out of the dark. Occasionally glimpsing some light and getting knocked back on my ass with every step forward. I need something,  but I don't know what. I want relief and know at the same time there is no cure. There will be a part of me that will remain damaged no matter what I do. I want desperately to heal, but these wounds might be too deep. How can I ever go back to what I was? All of my hard earned confidence, all of my pride is destroyed. How can I ever be carefree and hopefull ever again?  I've had to do things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I keep secrets that will never see the light of day. And I know about the power of secrets. I know how they fester, how they can tear a person apart from thethe inside out. But I have no choice.  

Do I build my walls back up? Do I become hard, let my broken bones knit together awkwardly? Let scar tissue form over my heart, tough and impenetrable? Do I get a choice at all?  

Life is short. And cruel and unfair and filled with pain. And mind bogglingly boring and routine. And amazingly beautiful, filled with promise and hope and laughter. And Love, in all its many forms.  

Maybe the trick is to never plan, never think about the future at all. To drift and let the wind take us where it will. But I don't really believe that and it's not something I can surrender to gracefully. I need to know what's what. I cannot, especially now, handle ambiguity. I have to know where I stand... even if the only thing to know is that I am on shaky ground. I need constant reassurance that I am ok, that I am cared for and loved. Because this? This is the loneliest I have ever been. This is the most alien I have ever felt. I'm a giant raw nerve, exposed and naked. Incredibly vulnerable.

I HATE being vulnerable. I HATE that my center is now outside of myself and I don't know how to get it back. I HATE how needy, anxious and pathetic I feel on a daily basis.   I HATE that I am no longer me. Trapped in a sphere of pain. No end in sight.

No positive insights today folks. No being brave and faking strength. It's too much. I can't pretend.