Kidney Beans

I am heading into the third week of a flareup from hell. It couldn't come at a worse time... I am BUSY and have a million things that need my attention. And I feel too crappy to do much of anything. 

Silver lining? I am healthy enough much of the time to really get an effective break between attacks and I bounce back a lot better. But sometimes, things get complicated and life isn't as awesome as this piglet taking a bath.

This time, the stone(s) were stubborn and took their sweet time. I don't go to the ER or doctor unless absolutely necessary so I'm pretty much a giant ball of misery. But! My naturopath makes an herbal pain blend that makes it bearable. Then comes an infection, almost guaranteed after passing a stone. Easy enough, I've had around 9 zillion infections, got it. But then... I wake up and can't walk. My back is completely locked up, something I've managed to avoid for over a year. i'm stretching, taking all my potions and powders and drinking more water than should be possible and it's. just. dragging. on.  

I start to get panicky. What if it doesn't get better? What if I'm stuck like this again? What if my spell of good health was just some cruel cosmic fluke and I have to learn to adjust, to always be in pain again? I can already feel it draining me... I don't want to take this downtime to write, to finish my website, to use my brain, everything just hurts too much. Then the berating begins. You are just lazy and weak. You are just doing this to yourself, somehow. It becomes easy to hate your body, to feel it is the enemy. At the very time when you most need to love yourself, you begin to hate yourself. 

I am so very lucky. I have a partner who loves me unconditionally and takes amazing care of me. I can actually focus on healing because he has no qualms about stepping in to help... a gift beyond measure. It doesn't sound like a great deal on paper... "I'm a lot of fun but I'll be out of commission 

25-40% of the time!" :)

Fingers crossed I'm on the road to recovery. There are a lot of emotions that come up this month and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it do. I intend to do some kind of memorial project this year to commemorate 3 years. 

Merry Christmas

I've always been a bit of a humbug around the holidays... the buildup and expectation that everything be perfect is draining and more than anything just means a lot more work for me! The past few years have been unbearably sad... with bright spots and lots of good memories (ask my mom why we don't drink tequila on Christmas Eve anymore hahaha!)... but it is a descent into a time of year that is for us steeped in pain.

I'm happy to say that this year was very, very different. We pulled off a great Christmas... a good balance of business and low key fun that allowed us all to relax and just enjoy the time together. My kids didn't get a ton of gifts... but they were really happy with what they got. Ivy made her own beautiful presents for everyone and our Asian themed Christmas dinner was so good I'm pretty sure i'll be working that off for the next few weeks. True to form, we started talking about what we're going to have next year before dinner was even finished!  

If there is one piece of advice I can give to new members of this awful club it is this: There is no shame in finding that spark. It may take a long time. You will have to force yourself and you will have to pretend for awhile. It will not be easy. You will have to shed beliefs about yourself, about your world and be truly fearless in doing so. Some of the people you love may disapprove, they may be scared for you. They may fade away. That is OK. You keep going. You check in with yourself, you feel your pain but you also feel immense joy as the broken, empty places scream within you and you treat yourself with love and compassion. Do not wait to love yourself. You are perfect as you are, amidst your struggle and chaos.You must be very, very brave. You've done hard things... and you will do more. You must treat yourself as the sacred being you are and find a way to enjoy your life, just as it is, every single day. I can't tell you how long this will take but I can tell you that it will never end. You will never stop feeling helpless and frightened and anxious and sad... but you must learn to live within that space and love your life with all those dark feelings. They've made you who you are and they will soften. And one day, like a seedling sprouting from the ground and seeking light, you will begin to bloom. 

Who knows what you will become?

I wanted to do this all by myself. Truthfully, I was terrified to REALLY love anyone. Loving someone means that I can lose them... that I very well may someday be tossed back into that vortex of pain. That is my greatest fear, going back to that place. But to deny myself this love... that would be like cutting off my oxygen. I had already decided, a long time ago, that I would live the rest of my life happy. Gaining that happiness means taking risks... I just have to meet the person worth taking that risk for. 

It's A Jungle Out There

Dating. DATING.

Ugggh.

It was rough as a teen, rough as a young adult & by God, rough as a mid-thirties widowed single mom.

A funny thing happened though... at some point,  I just relaxed and began to enjoy the process. If you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince then I've become quite familiar at avoiding catching any warts.

I figured out that I actually enjoyed getting dressed up & having a drink with interesting people... the key is leaving it at that. Not every dinner date has the potential to be your soul mate & once that pressure is off it's actually quite fun to swap stories and meet new people.  Plus the stand up material is pure gold. I went out on a date with a guy who brought me a tie dyed rose dipped in glitter & two questionairres (along with pencils!) for us to fill out... it wasn't the worst date I've ever been on!

What dating has done is given me the space & experience to really sort out what *exactly* I want in a partner & a relationship. What I'm willing to compromise on & what I'm not. It's taught me to rely on my instincts... if something is feeling off, it's because something is usually WAY WAY OFF. That doesn't mean they aren't a wonderful person, it just means they aren't the person for you. I've also made a couple really good friends & you can never have too many of those!

Four months ago I sat down and wrote a letter... to God, the universe, whatever... laying it wall out. This is what I NEED in a partner, the must haves. And these are the things I WANT... would be nice but I not deal breakers.

More than anything, writing that letter made me feel good. I know who I am & what I want & most importantly I've come to a place where I feel good about my life exactly the way it is now... having someone would be wonderful but I'm in a really great place. Life is not what I thought it would be, but it's mine & I'm making it a good one.

Welcome To Parenting, Valerie Style

Hi Folks!

It's your friendly widow blogger with a post less likely to induce depressive disorder and more likely to just piss you off instead. A refreshing change of pace right?

So. Maybe you are like me and you look around and see a sea of other parents out there, struggling under the weight of their ergo baby carriers and organic juice boxes, pleading in a non-confrontational voice with little Skyler or Gavin (so as not to inhibit his burgeoning sense of self esteem or creativity) to please stop playing call of duty in 10 minutes so you two can sit down and do homework together (Which really means you're going to do his homework while he whines and shuffles and says "I don't knoooooowww! It's too haaaaaaard!!!" Right? Yeah, I know. I get it.). I have sat in gyms full of parents one-upping each other on everything from their kids grades and touchdowns to learning disorders. Munchhausen's anyone?

Let's take a little quiz, shall we?

How many times, when asked about yourself or your hobbies or interests, have you answered by describing your children and/or their hobbies? How many of you simply drew a blank?

How often is your free time/weekend time completely consumed by your kids activities?

Do your kids schedules dominate your families routine? 

When was the last time you completed a project of your own? Spent a half hour wandering aimlessly in a museum? Went to a film that wasn't animated?

Ugggh. Do you hear that wooshing sound? That's your life, passing you by.

Becoming a parent is one of the purest, most difficult joys a person can experience. It is a process of immeasurable love, nobility, patience & humility. But the truth of it is that our kids need us far, far less than we need them.

See, I have this crazy notion that your children may have come from you but they are. not. you. I've met some parents who forget that. They seem to keep trying to re-live their past through their kids... pushing in places that just don't need pushing and ignoring truths that would create an even richer, more dynamic relationship with their children. Don't get me wrong... everyone needs guidance and direction. But acknowledging that you have this amazing, nearly independent little human running around that has their own thoughts, feelings, intrinsic values, outlook... we can influence, we can gently suggest. We sometimes have to draw the line and take a hard stance. We often have to be the bad guy. But there is nothing as magical as the selflessness involved in loving this alien being you've helped to bring up... watching them thrive & loving them as they are.

Our culture currently promotes the ideal of the frazzled, chronically busy and burnt out parent as some sort of badge of honor. We are to sacrifice our sanity, our health and our happiness on the altar of success as society dictates: the  job, big house, flashy cars, cool gadgets & kids who are perpetually BUSY.

Do we ever stop to think if that is what is actually good for our kids? How about encouraging a few healthy passions? How about making time for boredom as a learning tool? I can't tell you how often my kids have built amazing things with cardboard and duct tape because they were bored and I didn't rush in to entertain them.

I have a confession: I have never enjoyed "playing" with my kids. Set me up with a board game or a craft, making dinner together or hanging out doing something we all enjoy and, especially as they get older, we have a great time. But playing kitties or superheroes or whatever? Nope. That's what you have playmates, each other and imaginary friends for. And frankly, my kids have never needed anyone to play court jester. They have big brains they put to good use and a healthy expectation of what Mom will and will not do for them.

Becoming a single parent has been, by far, one of the greatest challenges I've faced. I'll admit that sometimes I simply throw my hands up and yell "I can't do this!" Having my life derailed means figuiring out exactly what I need to be happy & knowing that in just a few short years, if I do my job right, my babies will leave the nest and I'll only be able to embarrass them when they come home to raid the fridge and do laundry.

So, call it selfish if you want. I'm cultivating a life that is definitely centered on my children but with plenty of room for me. Figuring out what I want and where the yellow brick road is leading me. Interestingly, I've found some fellow travelers along the way. Our kids may not be the future Ivy league-rs (or they might!) but they are INTERESTING PEOPLE. And the world needs more interesting people.

Different AfterWords

Writing this blog has been, by far, the healthiest way I have coped with Jason's death. The earliest posts are things I find difficult to read at times, yet I am strangely and fiercely proud of them. I'm still not certain it conveys a completely accurate look into my life, because I am usually writing when overwhelmed by emotion, when the words almost bubble over and I can't type fast enough. But it isn't sugarcoated. It isn't dressed up or down. It's a chronicle.

It's been 946 days since Jason died. 2 years, 7 months and 4 days. Yesterday and an Eternity. Sometimes contemplating the mere passage of that time is enough to bring on panic, time is something I have never been easy with. On better days it feels merely perplexing... how is it possible that he has missed so much? And shouldn't we get a little break now? Shouldn't we get a five minute phone call, a check in at least? It's absurd still, to think that I will never talk to him again. It is still unfathomable.

There is so much I want to write, yet I don't. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't pollute this space with anything but my pain, but that pain is the same thing that keeps me away from writing more, on the days I feel hope and determination to carve out space of my own in a new life I didn't want and didn't ask for, but am living nonetheless. And that is the crux of it. I won't accede to that old cliche: time heals all wounds, I still want to punch people that say that to me. But time has given me the breathing room to look around, take stock, and decide that I need to make some happiness happen.

41 aka Some Terrible Poetry

When I look at the blinking planets
I see the stars that were your eyes

Swirling eddies and streams of light
Your soul now in the jewels of the universe

If only the gentle fall of the atmosphere
Held some semblance of your touch

Created and never destroyed
Loved and never lost

Happy birthday, my love. I still miss you the way I did just moments after you left us. I'm beginning to realize most of us just learn to go on carrying that void, that emptiness, with us for the rest of our lives. Is this the price we pay to know love in our lifetimes? I don't know.
Maybe, for me, it is. 

From the Depths of the Drowning, That We May Reach Land

I haven't written since April? That doesn't surprise me all that much, summer has been action packed and flown by. Bullet points then:

• I started my own business! Go take a look and then book an order! 
• I also got a new job as the office manager for local Modern Woodmen of America financial representative Lisa Minardi. So if you need insurance or magic money help (cause seriously, she's amazing...), I can hook you up with that too!
• The kids are in Jujitsu 3 days a week, 2 separate youth groups & Ozzie's just finished up football conditioning, which trained twice a week. They each went to camp, went out of state for a big family vacation and we got to go to our beloved family camping trip with dear friends this year. I have basically been a taxi service for a lot of it (shout out to my parents, who also get in on the taxi rotation) and my kindle and TED talks on my phone have been my best friends. I joke about it a lot, but I'm thrilled that they are busy and happy. 
• Ozzie has caught the fishing bug from his Papa and Uncle's and is bugging me for rides to the river constantly. Ivy gave it a try and decided books, crafting and AC are more her speed (takes after her Mum). 

Things have been for the most part good, just like life I guess. This Fathers Day was certainly more sweet than bitter. We got Jason a balloon, wrote notes to him and tied them to the string, went out to our spot and each told a favorite memory, said a prayer, shouted an "I LOVE YOU!" and released it into the sky. There were tears, but mostly memories, and the knife didn't cut quite so deep.

A couple of significant things have happened for me.

I think, 2 years and 5 months later, that I am finally in a place where I have accepted that he is gone. If you have never experienced loss this may seem silly or even dumbfounding. "Yeah, of course he's gone. He's dead. What did you think happened?" Well, prior to Jason's death, I would have been right there with you. 

I always liked to think I was a very practical, pragmatic person, who could be faced with a setback or problem and simply take a minute and then take stock and either begin again or look for a solution. I know now that facing how very much I am actually not like that began 6 years ago, when I was diagnosed with a rare birth defect/kidney disease. I thought I could simply do what I always did and knuckle through, ignoring it until it took me down. Instead it began slowly chipping away at  my health in a way that has left me battered and abused by the medical system and questioning my own sanity. It has also led me to a place where I now know that doctors have only this tiny little finite amount of help to offer. I am chronically ill and in pain every single moment of the day and I am the only one who can make a good life out of that fact. It is very difficult to know that, but so freeing at the same time. I trust God and I am trying to care for myself as he/she would. 

So, where were we? Ah, acceptance. Well, yes. It's taken a lot of hits, awful losses, huge and tiny ones, a lot of times where I felt punched in the gut and I simply didn't want to get up to realize that much of what I blustered and built up as practical was actually denial, deflection. Pushing things down and putting them off. Dealing only with the now when an eye on the tomorrow would really have been the brave  move. You can see something with your own eyes, you can speak it, you can live without someone... but in your heart and soul, you still may not accept it. It may take a really long time. And it REALLY hurts when you finally do. But until you do, you cannot begin to heal. 

Which leads to another part of acceptance. I think the night I made the first move toward acceptance was when I was finally able to verbalize why I was stuck where I was. It was something that hadn't even really been a fully formed thought in my head... but when I said it out loud it was one of those "Oh Shit!" moments, where you gasp and shock yourself with your own truth. My mom and I were talking, err, she was talking and I was sobbing, and she asked me why I didn't think I deserved to have a happy life. Because I was (and sometimes still am, working on it) convinced that I didn't. That I would raise my kids to be happy, healthy adults and then I could just fade away somehow?! And I said it "Because that would mean I didn't love him enough!" Sad. And not true. Even I know that and I'm just like Jon Snow. 

So, those two things kind of lifted the darkness for me a bit. Enough to give me some momentum. I'm doing good work, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm trying, and I''m happier than I was. And I know THAT is what Jason would want, because that is what he always wanted when he was here. 

<3