Why I Keep Bringing Up Ferguson and Annoying Everyone

Because it's a horrifying miscarriage of justice and just a small example of racial inequality and police brutality IN 2014. NOT 1965, 2014.

Because black kids, ages 15-19, are 21 times more likely to be fataly shot by law enforcement than white kids in the same age group.

Because as a white woman,  if I'm wearing a hoodie and have my hands in my pockets, people just assume I am lazy and didn't shower that day (they would be right) and not that I have stolen something and/or are carrying a gun.

Because it's somehow ok for white people to own guns, 2nd amendment ya'll! But black people who own guns are obviously criminals.

Because self segregation still exists in most of the United States.

Because I live in a conservative area of California and I'm tired of hearing about how the people of Ferguson SHOULD respond to an obviously wrong grand jury decision. Yes, there should be personal responsibility. Yes, it would be better if people came together and supported and built up their communities. Because peaceful protest SHOULD WORK and sometimes it doesn't.  People get pissed. People make bad decisions. This doesn't negate the fact that an unarmed member of the community was following police instruction and was brutally murdered by an officer who took an oath to protect and serve. That, my friends, is still a fact... no many how much looting and burning occurs.

Because in the United States every citizen is innocent until PROVEN guilty. That is a unique facet of our justice system and a constitutional right that sets us apart. You know when that doesn't matter? When the person proven innocent or guilty is already dead.

Because Trayvon Martin was only 4 years older than my son when he was shot and killed for No. Fucking.  Reason.

Because.  Just,  because.

MSK, You're Breaking My Balls

Metaphorically,  of course.

So, I have a wonderful new primary care doctor.  I have mostly adequate pain management.  I have a good nephrologist and a so-so urologist.  I may get to be in a clinical trial soon that may help. My kidneys are not good candidates for the two experimental surgeries available for this condition and would most likely make things worse. I can't get a transplant because my body would most likely either reject it outright or begin calcifying the new one if it did take. Surviving on one kidney is a last resort for me, not something I want to contemplate. One day I may be on dialysis. I will do whatever I have to to stave that off, but it may happen.

Some days, I'm really good about my diet: no sugar, very little protein, nothing high oxalate.  I've given up my beloved tea and drink more water than should be humanly possible. I take a probiotic, am trying out some herbs that may help with keeping reoccurring infections at bay and choke down apple cider vinegar daily.

Some days,  I'm not so good about it. I still try to keep my sugar low and definitely no caffeine,  but the siren song of french fries are too much to resist. I snack on bacon at work. I can't force down another freaking banana.

I would eat better if I could cook more, but I feel mostly awful most of the time, so I don't cook much.  I struggle through work and then I try to lie very still for awhile so my body will calm down. Sometimes it works.  Often, it doesn't. 

I'm exhausted,  all the time.  I wake up exhausted. Exercise?  Yeah. I try to do some yoga. Occasionally I'll try to go for a walk. But everything hurts. And laying around makes it worse.

So the serpent swallows its tail and the cycle begins anew.

I do have good days. But, most of my time is spent carefully planning out my day so I don't have to do too much. And there is always too much to do, too many balls to juggle.  (See what I did there? Another balls reference.... badda bing!)

I hate this disease. I hate that I have it, I hate that I can no longer power through it. It's making me hate my own body and that is just not healthy.

I'm sure stress & grief are a big factor,  but there is not much I can do about that. I was pleased that after totalling my car this week I was able to center myself after only a few hours of sobbing and worked through a panic attack without drugs. My chiropractor/wise woman/awesome friend did some energy work on me and was really proud of how strong my center has become. 

But, I'm having flare ups every 2 to 3 weeks.  It is maddening.  I may be biased, but I think I deserve a little break.  Just one. Universe? God? Ya listening?  You've given me enough to handle for now.

Let's pump the breaks big guy, deal?