14 Years

What does it feel like to be a widow on your wedding anniversary?  Well, it just plain hurts. And it's very lonely. 

The one person who cared about that date, a date I will never forget,  a date I was always so proud of us for reaching each new year... well, that person isn't here to celebrate with anymore. Even if it was just a card on my pillow before bed and a few moments of congratulating ourselves for making it so long, a few moments to marvel at how much we still loved & wanted one another... that is gone. It's just me and my memories now and that just isn't enough.

This is my second anniversary since Jason died. But the first one was so close to his death that I was numb. Foggy. I don't really remember much. I didn't have any of that anticipatory grief this time, just a moment a few days ago of "Oh. Yeah. That's happening." Work kept me busy today until, driving home, I felt the weight of grief slam me in the chest.

This day should be SPECIAL. My marriage was one of the few things I've done right. It may be the only marriage I ever have. And I miss him, so, so very much. But now its just another reminder of what I've lost.

Maybe in a another year or two I can celebrate.  But today I just feel alone. Alone and hurting.

Year One

Well, we made it. Monday was the one year mark of Jason's death. I wish I could say I felt better, but mostly I'm just relieved... we made it one year, we can make it another, right? No matter what happens,  we will keep living. And loving and missing him. The biggest lesson I've learned from all this is that the world doesn't stop turning, even when your world ends.

On Monday I took the kids to Santa Cruz and we ended up at a beach Jason & I visted together when we first met. I wrote him a letter and sealed it in a bottle and set it out to sea. Then, we climbed up some cliffs overlooking the ocean and sprinkled some of his ashes. The other beachgoers pretended not to notice as we sat, huddled under a blanket and sobbing, watching the sunset.

Then, we went and got mint chip ice cream cones (Jason's favorite) for dinner.

I go back to work tomorrow. I'm nervous, just because its been awhile, but ready. I miss my job and my work family.

I need to get my carpets cleaned and sign my kids up for tae kwon do. I need to do my taxes and bug my kids about cleaning their room. I really need to get back on my diet and schedule a ladies night with my girlfriends.

Life goes on, even with gaping holes and broken hearts.

Here we go.